Espion, Amy, and Candle.

This is the truth.
You people don't understand that I feel like ending my life because there's no one to talk to. In reality, there's plenty of people to talk to; there's just no people who will listen. My own therapist doesn't even advise me to help myself. She isn't helping and my parents do not understand.
I am bipolar. I have an un-diagnosed disorder. I have multiple personality disorder. I'm insane. Something is wrong! I can feel it in my head that I have something going on in my body that wants to kill me. No one believes me, but there's something in my head that doesn't belong there. It isn't cancer, a parasite, or a disease. It's not solid. I'm not sure how to explain these damn feelings, but I need someone to listen to me and try to help me! I'm on a lot of pills to get my body back to normal, but as my Doctor treats my thyroid and gives me vitamins to swallow, my own mind is waging a war on me. I don't know what is wrong. I use to see things constantly. I'd wake up in the middle of the night crying my eyes out because someone punched my back and caused my lungs to clog up. But there was no one there. I would sit in my room crying and shaking because people that were chopped in half from the torso up would crawl under my door and start moaning. Something would sit in my room and stare at me for minutes at a time. It looked dead, but it was clearly alive. It was dark and ominous. I would cry every single night because I knew something was going to come into my room that night and keep me from sleeping. The silence of the night was not safe. So I started sleeping in the day, when it was bright and noisy. I found that somewhat helpful. But I was missing out on a lot of events. Then the voices came. There's three of them. They get mad when I talk about them or tell people their names. I haven't told anyone their names, but they have names. The first voice I heard that's more controlling and louder than the others. His name is Espion. He tried to kill me. I tried to kill me, but he helped. He is my best friend. The second voice I heard is not exactly "demanding" but she is straight forward, and has helped me make safer decisions. Her name is Amy. The third one is not explainable. I'm not sure if it's a she or a he, because it doesn't have a very human-like voice. It's low, but it also sounds female. Either way, it's name is Candle. Candle points out the obvious things I can hurt myself with. Things I wouldn't normally think of. Lighter, pencil sharpener, a cord, broken pencil. Candle says I don't even deserve to be loved because I'm so disgusting and fat, and anyone who touches me will end up leaving me as friend. So, basically, these are my three best friends. Espion, Amy, and Candle. Espion is my other half, Amy is my protector, and Candle is my scars. Espion lives in my head, Amy lives in the palm of my hand, and Candle lives in my arm.
You're probably reading this and thinking, "Holy shit, she's gone mad!" or "She's making this all up so people will pity her." and if you're thinking either of those things, then please just go duct tape yourself to a wall and stay there forever. Because those thoughts hurt me, even if they're not said, because I just need help. Not pity.
G`night.

Socially Alone (Huge useless rant that I wrote while crying.)

I really don't have any friends anymore. It's killing me inside, because I'm usually a very friendly and bubbly person. I could walk into a room of strangers and intermediately people will be drawn to me. I'm funny, loud, friendly. But for some reason, no one really cares anymore. I had so many friends, and I did a good job of keeping them as my friend, but recently... everyone's left me empty. I even lost my cousin as a friend. People at youth group make me feel even more lonely. I'm taking my medication everyday, but I still feel like complete shit. I don't know what's wrong with me. I thought these pills were anti-depressants, but they're honestly just suicide triggers. I'm not suicidal, as far as I know, but it's still something I strongly consider. I don't want to kill myself, but I also don't want to be alive. Only my cousin understood exactly what I meant when I said that, because she feels the same way, but now that she avoids me, I'm left to drown myself in misunderstanding. Am I the only one who feels this way? I'm so lonely in every way possibly. Am I crazy? I guess the feelings inside that never go away mean something. Maybe it means I'm just not suppose to be here. I don't even know anymore. I don't even know why I'm writing! No one listens to me. I suppose I'm just trying to talk to someone, though no one is listening. I could scream a thousand words, but not a single word would be heard. Actually, no. The words would be heard, heard well. Just not acknowledged.
I know I'm only 14 (I'll be 15 in July) and I still have a long life ahead of me, blah, blah, blah, but I don't want to live this oh-so long life if I'm just going to be depressed throughout it all. I thought I was okay, I thought I was getting over this depression, but I was wrong.
Should I keep trying? Should I even dare? Therapy isn't helping. I've talked to therapist after therapists, doctor after doctor, and I've been on medication and medication. But hell, I'm only human. Pills and unfriendly people aren't going to change the fact that I am sad, alone, and worthless. I say I'm fat, you say I'm normal weight. I say I'm ugly, you say I'm pretty. I say I'm worthless, you say everyone is precious. But why should I believe you? You always counter my words with the positives, but that doesn't mean they're true. Just because they're negative, doesn't mean they're lies. I am fat. I have huge thighs covered in stretch marks, I've got a pudgy stomach that clearly shows through any shirt I wear. My face is covered in pimples and ugly marks, and my face is just ugly period. Nothing about myself is attractive. I'm nothing special. Three months ago if my cousin were to tell me I was pretty (Which she has maybe once or twice) I would have doubted her. Even though she was my best friend and I trusted her with my life, I couldn't accept the compliment. I knew it was a lie.
I don't know where I'm going with this post. I guess I'm just looking for pity and attention, which apparently I always am. That's why I do anything. I want sympathy. I'm just really angry and upset right now, to be honest.
I've asked my cousin, in attempt to make our friendship back to how it was, if she would like to go skating with me. "I don't like skating, so no."
I've asked my cousin if she wanted to go to a Christian concert with me. "I don't like the church people, so no."
I've asked my cousin if she wanted to hangout on Friday. "It's only Tuesday! I don't plan ahead like that."
So today I asked her about Friday again. "Well I'm suppose to get my hair dyed and Sarah said she's coming over so idk maybe???"
I've realized that she just makes up bullshit excuses to avoid hanging out with me. I give up. I am so fucking done with trying to make friends! No one wants me. I apologize about my foul language, but I express myself best when I act like myself. Hell, no one's even reading this. Never mind.
I talk a lot. Sorry.
My knuckles are cramping up from writing this stupid, worthless posts. A posts about me. I suppose that's why it's so pathetic. I don't know. I wish I had a best friend I could sit with on a dock by the river and eat Dairy Queen with. We'd sit there all afternoon, talking, laughing. I've always wanted to do that. Just spend an afternoon having a heart to heart conversation with a friend. It could be a guy, or a girl. I don't care. I just want to talk to someone again. But no one listens and no one cares. I'm starting to cry a little bit, because I don't even know if I'll ever have a best friend again. I don't know if I'll ever sit on the roof with my boyfriend and talk about deep shit until 3am. I don't know if I'll ever be asked out, or if I'll ever get married, or if I'll ever lose my virginity. But I surely doubt any of that will ever happen, because no man could love someone like me; a nothing. No husband would want to have sex with a fat, ugly, scar-covered girl like me. No boy would ask me out unless they were both blind and mentally handicapped.
I do know a guy who likes me, though. He loves me very much, and cares for me as if I was his little sister. I don't feel the same way because I hate when people care about me. I find it uncomfortable because I've convinced myself that they don't really care. And I hate myself for that. I hate that I can't let someone love me. I'm crying, because I want to love him so badly. I want to be with him so fucking bad, but I can't. And I'm scared that he'll leave me before I love him. You're probably thinking that if he leaves, he was never worth it anyway. But he wouldn't just stand up and walk away. I'd pick him up and push him out. I do that. When people care about me, I lock them in a chained box and keep my distance. I love him. But I can't love him. Because I don't know how to. You may think that I'm only 14, and I'm not able to feel love. You are wrong. Some girls my age can't love people because the other person doesn't love them back. But this boy loves me more than I love myself. And I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Though, I have no reason to live, he's giving me one. I suppose I can't date until I am 16-18, but that isn't fair. Because if love is here now, why wait? If he ends up breaking my heart now, he'll break it then. So might as well get it over with. But if he doesn't break my heart, and we stay together, I have no reason to wait other than parental laws.
I still like someone else, though. I'm just so confused whether to like the boy who doesn't care about me or like the boy that does care about me. Because they're both very different people.
Girl emotions, yuck. It's okay, I blame PMS!
I suppose this is the end of my horribly pathetic and long rant that didn't make much sense. But I needed to say it. My hand gets too tired of writing in my journal, and typing is faster. But I'm totally not going to spell-check this because ain't nobody got time for that.
^^^^^^^ Bipolar disorder, ladies and gentlemen. ^^^^^^^^
I just went from sobbing, to quoting a meme from 2014. Right now I still feel like crying but I also feel like laughing. I want to cut myself but I also want to rap to Eminem. Oh, but of course I'm not bipolar. My mental state could never be taken serious.... I'm just a moody teen. Right?

Goodnight.
I love you.
Sleep well.

Empty Heart, Full Mind

Well, we made it three years. Thanks for sticking with me that long. It hurts that things had to end so harshly. I was only trying to help. This is why I never help anyone. I mess up. I wish you knew how sorry I am. I just wanted you to be safe, and happy. I hope you know that I cried on that phone call. I cried sending that message. As a matter of fact, I'm crying as I write this. I haven't been able to cry for a while, but I guess this really brought me over the edge You're still my best friend... since I don't have any other friends. I thought, "I don't need any other friends. She's all I need. We'll never stop being friends." Oh, how wrong i was. You begged me, and I didn't care. I'm so God damn sorry! Please forgive me. Please, know that I didn't mean to hurt you. I was just trying to help you. To show you that I cared. But I messed up big time. I hope you're reading this, because I miss you. But your last words to me made me miss you a little less...
"Fuck. You.
Don't talk to me."

When I was a kid, and I thought about the future, I saw friends, husbands, children, and smiles. I couldn't wait to be a teenager. I thought that it'd be the best thing ever. I'd go to the mall with my friends, eat soup at a cafe with my Mother, have romantic picnics with my boyfriend. No. None of that has happened, and I'm almost 15. So far, it's been mental hospitals, heart break, loneliness, and depression. This is not okay. I am not okay. I just wish none of this would have ever happened. It's a Saturday night and I'm isolating myself in a dark room, crying, while everyone else is getting high with their friends and laughing their asses off. Why can't I be that girl? Why can't I be the girl with 100 friends, a boyfriend, pretty hair, and a skinny body? It doesn't make any sense that I'm depressed. I want to be happy, and I try so hard to be happy. But nothing works. I could try drugs, alcohol, sex, etc. and nothing would bring me pleasure. I'm completely empty. Well, not completely. Just my heart. But my mind is far from empty. My mind is like a world if violence and darkness. They call it depression. It's like I'm trapped inside a padded room with no lights, but I can hear someone talking to me. Constantly telling me I'm not good enough, and that each mistake I make is just a sign that I should give up. They sound friendly but their words leak danger. I don't know what to believe in anymore; the voices I see or the voices I hear? I dream so much, I often question which is reality and which is a dream. None of it makes sense, and I'm dying inside.
I almost feel like, even on my medication, nothing has changed. I'm not really suicidal, but I still have suicidal thoughts. I self-harm less, but every cut is deeper than the last. It's like I'm less angry, and more sad. I've been crying most of the day off and on. I felt like dying, but I guess I'm okay now.
I understand that I need help, but therapy doesn't do anything for me. My therapists just asks me questions and makes me think, but I don't need to think. I think enough during the night. I need advice and action. I need to get my hands busy and really work towards getting out of this 1,000 ft. abyss.
There's a place I could go to in Tennessee for help. It's a mental institution, but for long-term, and they actually care about you and want you to get better. I'm considering going there. I brushed it off knowing that my best friend wouldn't come visit me while I was there, but now that I don't have to worry about that, I'm strongly considering it. I don't really want to go, but I think I need to. And I want help. I want to stay home and try to make new friends. But I don't know if I'll last that long. I thought about 5 different ways to end my life already today. Strongly meditated on some of my ideas. I don't know what I'm staying strong for. I just know that I'm suppose to, no matter what. That institution in Tennessee may really help me open my eyes. Maybe I'll find some real pleasure in life. If that place can help me overcome depression, then I'm all for it. It's far away, but that doesn't matter because there's no one to visit me anyway. My therapist can't help me, my parents can't help me, and I can't help me. I don't know what to do right now besides write. I've been writing for almost two hours. It fills the void in my heart, like my best friend use to.
If I do go to Tennessee, I just really, really, really want to come out better.

121.4 lb

I don't know what to write about. I just feel like talking to someone, but there's no one around. I guess talking to my computer works too. I guess I'll give those of you who don't read my journal an update on my life in the past two months. So, after two suicide attempts, two ER trips and two mental institution stays, hypothyroidism diagnoses and Hashimotos diagnoses... I'm on the right medication and my mind is doing quite well.Well, so they think. I can think a little more clear, and I take things more seriously and personally. But my mood and mindset really haven't changed much. I mean, for a little while I felt a lot better after getting out of the mental hospital; it was a horrible place. But after being home for a few weeks, I almost feel no different than before. In fact, I'm a bit worse. I know no one really reads this blog so I can basically post whatever I'm thinking, so don't take me as an attention seeker, if you'd please. But I'm worse in a few ways, actually. Cutting has gotten deeper, voices have been getting louder, and depression is darker. Everyone blames my depression on my thyroid, but I feel like something else is going on. Eating disorders and psychosis aren't hypothyroid symptoms. Oh, hey. Let's talk about eating disorders for a little bit. I've already talked about the voices before. So, I had a major episode on Sunday because I was feeling guilty for not telling my parents about my eating disorder. I trashed my room. Tore lights down, knocked over a radio, kicked a table, threw my art kit, and smashed a mirror. I hate the feeling of guilt. It makes me extremely upset. Anyway, I ended up confessing to my parents about the eating disorder I've been battling for the past three months. I had told no one until I exploded and was drove to telling my Dad. So, pretty much, I would starve myself for a few days, then binge, then starve myself. I'd go from periods of eating three full meals to not eating for four days. I threw up once because of the lack of food and water. And only recently, about a week ago, I started force-vomiting after I ate meals. I only ate for the taste and to convince people that I had eaten. But right after I finished, I went to the bathroom and removed anything left in my stomach. I'm self-diagnosed with bulimia. I haven't told my therapist yet, but plan to eventually. She doesn't help me. I hate my therapists. I only go to please my parents and comfort them. I still lie to my therapist, though. The last session, I faked happiness and told her I was completely fine. I'm dying inside. 

My parents are probably both reading this right now and speaking about it together. I don't care. They already went through all my journals, text messages, and Facebook messages. But somehow I was able to hide my eating habits from them. I guess since I was careful enough not to write about it anywhere. Now, I don't even care anymore. It may not seem like it with the amount of selfies I take, but I'm self-conscious as shit with my body. I didn't want anyone to know that; not even my best friend. I didn't want help. No one understands. You all say to just work out, but it never works.

"You're not fat." - I'm just saying this to seem like a real friend but you're actually pretty fat.

"You're normal weight for your age." You're above average.

"You're beautiful." I'm just trying to make you feel better about yourself. 

"Just eat." I have no clue what it's like to suffer from an eating disorder.

You people don't have a single clue what it's like. Tell me you've felt like slitting your own throat, never eating again, and tell me you talk to yourself in the mirror because you've got no one else to talk to. Tell me that, and I'll trust that you understand. Otherwise, back off.

Okay so this blog probably makes no sense to anyone and may seem completely pointless. But this is what anti-social mortals like myself do. We write.

Okay, goodbye. 

My Shadows

I feel like the only reason they’re with me is to ruin my life. To make me so miserable, I end up either killing myself or killing everyone else. It’s like they've been put directly into my life just to make it worse than it already is; to completely destroy any ounce of happiness left in me. They’re doing a pretty good job, if you ask me. They all work together to battle against me. I don’t know how to fight back. They've found all my weaknesses and are using them against me. I used to think I never feared anything, but then they came along. Now, I fear myself. One after another, they appeared in my room. They stared at me until I gave in. Until I let them in my head and allowed them access to everything I hold on to. They control my life now. We've learned to cope at times, and it’s come to the point where I walk, and I talk. But they do the rest. They control my thoughts, my emotions, and my feelings. Sometimes, I’ll be laughing with friends. They’ll realize that, and shut me down. Make me hold my breath until I stop laughing, and then they’ll fill my eyes with tears. It’s like they’re reassuring me that I do not control who I am. They’ll give me the option to fight back the tears, walk away, take a breath, and come back. I usually take my chances and go with it. But in some cases, they won’t allow that. They’ll suck every happy memory I've ever experience, and throw it all away for a few seconds. (It's like I'm bipolar.) Then tell me how worthless I am. How pathetic my life is. How useless I am to anyone and anything, especially my family. They tell me to stop trying to be happy, because there’s no reason to be. I mean, my family hates me. My friend’s list is limited. I have nothing to look forward to in the future.
Sometimes, I want to run away from reality. I want to go with them to their world. They say it’s a good place, with no pain. All I have to do is say goodbye to the things I once loved.
People think I’m crazy. They say I need pills to get my mind stabilized, or therapy, to get understanding of who I am. Honestly? The last thing I need is some stuck-up therapist to tell me how to live. I don’t need anyone to tell me who I am. I know who I am. I’m no one important. I’m nothing but a paper bag floating down the road, hoping one day someone would either pick me up and throw me away or fill me up and make me useful. I want to be filled with love again. I want to feel like I matter. I wish I was normal. I’m going a little more insane each day and it’s making no sense to me. They tell me I should put a bullet in my mouth, or overdose on whatever drugs I can find in the kitchen. They say I have no reason to be. I know it’s true. I believe them. I've even started telling myself the same thing. But… there’s this one voice in the back of my head, trying so hard to be at its loudest. It’s telling me to stop, and take a step back. To think of all the good that’s still in my life. I keep telling the voice to stop talking, because it’s wrong. There is no good anymore. But it says that, “The other voices have only made you forget. They've shoved all the good memories and happy times in the back of your head along with me.”
I have no way of recovering those thoughts anymore. It’s not like I just take anti-depressants and magically become normal.
They told me I don’t need those, anyway. They said it’s not going to making me any less depressed. I’m already a waste of space, and I just need to give up already, to throw reality away and come and join them in their world.

I want to go away forever. I actually do, in fact, want to go join their world.
I get migraines every single day - horrible, horrible headaches in the front of my head. It’s starting to drive me insane. I can’t handle it. And sometimes death seems better than the migraine in my head.

I’m told by many that suicide isn't the answer. I, personally, don’t want to commit suicide. I don’t want to die. I used to, but I don’t anymore. I just want to live a normal life, with normal thoughts, and normal friends. I want to control my own thoughts and my own mood. I can go from the silliest person in the group to the most silent. I struggle to hold a conversation with anyone, even my best friend. We used to talk every day, now she never texts me. It’s my fault. I’m not able to talk to anyone. I can’t react to things normally like other people can. I’ll get teased for being homeschooled and everyone will start laughing. But I don’t even know what emotion to express. Like, am I supposed to laugh, too? It wasn't even funny, but everyone else is laughing… so I guess I should, too. Oh, and sometimes when people compliment me on something, I become speechless. I guess I should thank them? But my mood stays the same so I sound harsh when I speak. Someone might be telling me a funny story, and they’ll start to crack up. But me? I might fake a smile, but that’s all I can do. I find nothing funny. I've practiced multiple times in the mirror on a smile that looks convincing. But behind every smile of mine, I’m secretly thinking, you’re starting to annoy me.
I am so likable, though. If I meet new people, in less than 10 minutes I’m considered a friend of theirs. People love me, and I don’t know why. I almost hate it. I’d rather sit in a dark room all alone, than in a bright one with a group of people.

I’m starting to grow more attached to these voices. I refuse to say that I’m mental, because I truly think I’m just different. I just see, hear, feel, and think differently than other people.
I’ll be okay someday. But for now, I need to cope with them in order to get more access of my own life.

Is Cussing Really Wrong?

Started looking through the Bible for reasons why not to cuss. Because as I've been told it is wrong. But I read that we shouldn't use profanity. Our words should be encouraging. What if I were to say, "You did a d*m* good job!" or "Don't take bull**** from other people. You're amazing."
I just want opinions. Not saying I do cuss, or that it IS right... just truly curious.

Psalm 141:3 says, "Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!" that could mean not to bring people down with harsh words? Or not to use your mouth for perverted language. The Bible isn't fully specific to me.

Exodus 20:7 says, “You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes his name in vain." but when is saying sh** using God's name in vain in any way?

Psalm 109:17 says, "He loved to curse; let curses come upon him! He did not delight in blessing; may it be far from him!" I don't think that actually means curse words... I think that means by doing wrong. Like an actual curse? Like saying he loved to sin. Let sins come upon him.

Is Courage a Mistake?

As you know I've been really losing friends lately. I just need to stop caring so much for people that don't give a single care in the whole world about me. My friend from Youth Group who I haven't seen for three weeks showed up at Youth Group tonight. I was waiting for her at the door. As soon as she walked in I asked if we could talk. We haven't talked to each other for about 6 weeks. I was already about to burst out in tears. As soon as I opened my mouth to ask what's been going on, I lost it. I couldn't keep the tears behind a shield. A shield made of wood. It just soaked right through and filled up my eyes. I gasped for air as my lungs tightened and shrunk. Right then and there I knew I was in trouble. I got so mad at myself for being so emotional but at the same time excited that I'm brave enough to be mature, walk up to the person, and ask a simple question. Suddenly, she started to answer my question. A lump in my throat grew tight. As she spoke I randomly shot my eyes around the room, searching for something to focus on rather than her eyes. I was trying to hide my face and threw my hands over my mouth in a tight fist. My knuckles quickly became white as I stood there; clenching my fists. I was ready to scream. I wanted to just leave right there. Walk away and forget ever speaking. We argued. We just repeated ourselves. I feel so unbelievably unwanted by people that I want to just cry over a  blank, white page as I write about who I truly love. Yes - That's why it's blank.

Recently my hands have been turning pale with blood red circles all over. I think it's a sign of both stress and depression. My hands look ugly, weak, and worthless. Someone asked if they could see my promise ring and I was embarrassed to stretch such a feeble body part out from under my jacket sleeve. The scar on my ring finger made it no more appealing. My teeth have been almost bleeding. I clench my teeth so hard, and grind my teeth, when I'm angry that I taste blood in my mouth. I've made my gums bleed before. It's very minor. I'm turning into something I don't want to be. I'm not my old happy self.

 At Youth when we were going around meeting people and, surprisingly, my friend Jeremiah saw that I was sitting alone and yelled "Hi, Becca!" from behind. I turned and gave a feeble smile then looked across the room to focus on something. I sat alone most of the time until Jeremiah got his friends David, Dillon, and another girl to change seats and come sit with me. Of course, non of them sat next to me. I looked to the side of my shoulder and saw an empty seat. A lonely, empty, seat. No one wanted to sit next to me. My face started stinging; attempting to hold back more tears. I quickly took a deep breath but each gasp of air caught in my throat. Then I relaxed. I tried taking another breath and gasped every few seconds again. My stomach chugged in and out and air searched around for a free spot in my lungs. My face turned beat red as I heard people talk among themselves, not caring to take a moment to say anything to me. I glanced to the door to see if it was open. If it was, I was ready to dash out of there and sit in the hall way until they came out to get ready to go back downstairs. The door was shut. I closed my eyes and bit my tongue, not feeling any pain. I suppose all the pain was in my eyes ready to drip down my cheek. Once the speech was finished I stood up and walked straight out of that room and went downstairs, not looking at my surroundings. As soon as I sat down I found a spot on the floor to stare at. I sat there. Repeating in my head. I want to leave. It's her fault. I hate her. It's my fault! I should know better. Why didn't I keep my mouth shut? What's wrong with me? I'm so confused. Why isn't anyone sitting by me? Everyone is sitting with friends. I'm on such a cozy couch all alone. What'd I do to them? Oh, great. They're asking where my friend went. I shoved my face into my knees quickly and took a huge gasp and tried to ignore the name flashing through the room. It's like lightening about to strike a tree. I'm the tree. Why is everyone laughing and talking among themselves? Why isn't anyone getting up to sit by me? Hey, there's three free seats by me! If... anyone cares. Oh, look. Someone couldn't fit on that couch. Now she's forced to sit by me. Oh my goodness. She's sitting next to me and not just on the same couch! I said hello and grabbed my knees. I was so extremely happy that she chose to sit by me, not just with me. I tried holding my tears. I was so happy and so angry all in one emotion. She looked at me and asked if I was okay. I said under my breath "Oh, great." and flooded tears across my face. She asked if I was okay again. Another girl asked what happened. I just gasped quickly the name of my friend and they just leaned back in their seats watching me carefully with wide, calm eyes. I cried.
The only person I can ever say is a friend who isn't a sibling is my cousin, Cassidy. Still family. The only family member I talk to besides my siblings and parents. What is wrong with me? Do people just hate us? Or, even worse, me? Have I done something so wrong that everyone goes off talking about me? If I have, what? I just need someone to tell me what lies have been being told about me. Why does everyone LEAVE? Someone help. My mind is so full of crap; mistakes, regrets, enemies, etc, that I can't find the good in my life.

 God? Sure, whatever... You know what? When I was two years old (Almost three) he saved my life. I died, and he saved me. He told me to live and so I did. Maybe I needed to just die? They say God makes no mistakes, but what if I made the mistake? Getting sick. I got myself sick. I just... I don't know anymore. What would the world be like without Rebecca? The girl who died and lived again. No one even knows my story... the only people who know it are long gone friends from my past who weren't really ever friends before. I've never told anyone my true story. No one seems to believe me when I do. I'm so special, equally, but in a different way. One plus one equals two, but two plus two equals four. I'm on in a million. I survived. I should be happy! No, I'm not bragging. I'm just finally stepping up and showing myself. I want myself to have some attention. I give so much love. In return? I get a friend. A friend that ends with the word "end." of course. God saved me. I'm special. I'm equal in my own way. Okay.. so? If everyone is equal, then no one is special. At least no more special than the other. You can't be both equal and special at the same time. We're equally special is your protest? I see. Special means better than the other or more outstanding, amusing, or awesome. Special. Such a strong word.

I've lost all hope in friends, except for the one and only - Cassidy. I'm scared now. I now have a fear of friendship. I'm scared if I get to know someone so well (or too well) that it'll just end up in a screaming match. Every time. Yes, there is people who still call me their friend. Only because they know me. I know Barack Obama, but we're not friends. You know me, and I know you. So? I hate how people throw around the word "Friend" so often that it's become another term for "Fake." in my opinion.
I've lost all of my friends.
The only thing I have left is a passion to run; and courage. I have courage. I am brave. I'm the bravest person I know. I feel like I can talk to anyone in a mature way. Sure, I'll probably get all emotional and make a fool of myself. But at least I did it. I'll look back from now and think of myself as the girl who Asked the Question.
I am Brave.
I am Courageous.
I am Young.
I am Funny.
I am Emotional.
I am Alive.


Now what?

I'm Missing Us

Well... I started to write. I've got a journal now and continuously write about my life. But a journal page isn't as big as a blog post page, and I somewhat care to share what I have to say.
I don't want to share much anymore because my life has become very classified; I'm trying to keep it that way, at least. I've had some real trouble getting back into shape. Not with muscle on my arms, but with strength in my mind. I've gone through some really hard times lately and I have lost quite a few friends. I felt lonely, lost, and unwanted. I still do, somewhat. But I've been shown a path; two, actually. One goes one way, the other goes the other way. I have to choose which path to take. I just only wish I could see the other end; where it leads. I don't want to travel for so long just to find a dead end or a sign saying "Other path, idiot." All I know is one path will take me to freedom, and will take me to free doom. I already know what I want, I just need to take a closer look at how to get there. Perhaps if I had a friend to point me in the right direction I could be on my way to the great and almighty life of freedom and love. Of course, you can't spell friend without end. Maybe if my so called "friends" would show me they actually care then I could trust them. I've pretty much lost everyone I have except family. I miss the old days when your parents just kind of gave you a friend and said "Hey, here's a friend. Enjoy." and you'd have play dates with them and all that. Then something happened. You grew up. I grew up! We call it hanging out, not play dates. You have to keep your friend laughing. You've always gotta text your friend just to say hi and ask what's up, even though you don't care much. It's work, I admit. Worth it? No. It matters on the friend, actually. If it was worth it I'd actually have friends by now like I used to. My sister told me she only had one friend when she was my age. They'd only hang out about once a month, but they were still were very close and always had lots of fun. I - on the other hand - am used to having friends spam me with hellos, goodbyes, I love you/miss you. All that crap. It was all worthless. People just leave. I don't understand. Am I the issue? Why do people just become my friend and lie to me? They all say they love me and want to be my best friend forever. Well, guess what? I've come to the fact that when they say "Forever and ever" they mean "Forever and never." Honestly. You can't have a happy ending without a happy beginning. I guess the odds aren't exactly in my favor, ha ha. 
So also, to be honest, there's this one girl who I was friends with. Randomly she decided to 100% ignore me. No longer sit with me when we see each other. Don't talk to me. Don't look at me. Like.. what did I do? What do I do? Do I scare people off? Do they scare me off? I will never understand true friendship. The only true friend I can say I have is my sister. Goodness, she's amazing. Where would I be without her?

I once remember myself as the happy little girl who always made people laugh. I was so extremely awkward and random. (I still am somewhat.) But now... I've got no one to make smile. My family? Eh, they're always there. I want something new. I need something new. Someone, possibly. I know, I know. I'm still only a young teenager trying to figure out the definition of "Life." But don't get me wrong; I've been living this so called Life for 13 years. Thirteen years is a long time. The age thirteen may be young, but the amount of time is a long way away from little. Yes, I do know God is out there. Loving me, caring for me, helping me. I can feel him near. But I'm such a greedy human, as made. I want more. I want better! What is better than God's love? Nothing. Exactly my point. I want something that is better than the best. Only if I understood how loved I really am. I'm so lost yet at the same time have always been found. Yeah, I make weird quotes that people don't understand. But as long I'm making my point to myself - I'm good. I'm so loved. So needed. I've done so much harm in my life that I just wish I wasn't sometimes. I know this post is over the top dramatic, but I just love expressing my feelings when needed. There's six kinds of people I love. One, my parents. Two, my family. Three, my friends. Four, my husband. Five, my children. Six, God. Oh, yes. I did leave myself out. Perhaps I did that on purpose? I'll never understand me. I'm so confusing. Ha ha, I could write a book. A book about the life of Rebecca. That one girl that is both interesting and boring all in one. 
I could type for hours, but I need sleep every now and then. To refresh my mind from evil and repair it with good. 

For those of you reading this; I know you may see me as an average teenager who just wants attention and wants friends and think she's so worthless. Ever though that's actually how we feel? Maybe it's not just average. Maybe this is all legit. I feel as if I'm worthless, but knowing I am loved more than I could ever imagine! Feels and thoughts are so different. Along with hearing a lie but understanding the truth. I smack myself telling myself that I am cared for. But why don't I, like, care to be cared?
Goodness, I am quite the drama queen.
I'll continue to write in my journal, but it's so much faster to type. And journals are only so big. 

Now, let's say something happy about my life. Uh... we got a trampoline. I suppose that's happy. I already can do a flip on it. But it's not easy jumping in such high snow, so I'll have to wait for Spring or Summer.

I've got parents to love me. But.. I just can't talk to them the way I do friends. I can tell my friends funny jokes and personal things, not caring what they know. But with parents you know they'll always be with you for all your or their life. They'll always know. I don't want them looking at me saying "Oh she's the daughter that did this." or "She's the daughter who hates what's it's face." No, I don't keep secrets from them. A secret is something you don't tell anyone. I tell people. Of course I do have personal secrets I write about that I shall never share to anyone in the world until I'm dead. But, my parents do know pretty much everything about me and understand me. They know how I feel and I can't thank them enough. I will admit, I do worry about telling my parents about things further in life. I'll have to tell my Dad about a boy I like eventually. I'll have to tell my Mom that I just lost a friend and need a hug. I'll have to get permission for marriage and I'll have to get permission to move out. Permission to live the way I am. Permission to speak to certain people and speak a certain way. I trust their opinions very much so. They nearly know everything about me. I don't have anything to hide, I suppose. Not that I can think of... hmm. The only thing I ever attempt to keep from anyone and everyone is how I feel. That's my mind - my privacy. But like I'm doing now. I'm expressing my feelings. Totally not my full thoughts though. But my thoughts are my thoughts, not yours. They're the one thing in life I can keep from everyone except God. The one thing I can consider private. There's always those awkward moments you get angry enough and actually tell your legit thoughts and pretty much screw everything up. I've once got so mad at a friend I've screamed my true thoughts, and it ruined the whole day. I've got so tired of arguing I shouted out my crush's name to my Mom, ha ha. It was obvious anyway. I've gotten so upset at my cousin that I finally just straight up ignored her for the whole day. Even wrote a note saying how sorry I was about over reacting.
I make mistakes, and regret them. But it's hard to keep calm when people are peeling back your flesh and attempting to tear apart your skull just to get to your brain and find out what's in that little brain of mine.

I'm typed a lot! Oh my gosh! That's enough. 40 minutes of typing for no reason, ha ha! G`night. :)

Best Cousin!

So, I know I haven't blogged in a VERY long time but that's because I've been on Facebook mostly.
But when I'm not on Facebook I'm usually spending time with my favorite cousin, Cassidy. :)
I met Cassidy at my Grandpa's funeral. Yes, both my Mother's Parent's passed away. :( Me and Cassidy added each other on Facebook, then Skype, then I got a phone and her number, then I moved and now I am 5 minutes away from her instead of 20 minutes. We talk every single day and she's just the best thing in my life right now.
Love her so much. <3
We'll have sleepovers for three days in a row when she's on school break. That's just how awesome we are, haha!

Thoughts and Giggles

Okay, so, being an aunt is fabulous. Let me just start you right there. Alright, let me explain the slightest details of what my nephew, Benson, has learn in his first 10 months of his life. Benson can laugh at silly faces, because now he understands you're actually being silly, and not making him say in his head "I think it's trying to say something...?" Yes, seeing the little guy smile is something you can't treasure deep enough in your heart. Also, Benson can clap, point, and SO much more. 

He'll be one years old in March. Which, as an aunt, you can't help but giggle when you think about it!

When I'm falling asleep, in the quiet of the house, It's very simple to think. I always think what I should do tomorrow, what I should wear, then I go through memory thoughts. I love thinking about my old house, the one I was born in, I made memories in, I grew up in! I think about how Benson will act, sound, look when he's older. Thoughts go through my head like a tornado. The "tornado" picks up memories, and I chose to keep only the best memories and thoughts underground so nothing, not even a tornado, can get'em!

Books

So, I started reading "Black Beauty" last week and I finished it just a few days ago! It was such a great book. I'm not a big book reader, and I don't find many books I enjoy reading but I really liked Black Beauty.
Last night, I found "The Swiss Family Robinsons", I started reading that. So far, I guess I like it, but I enjoyed Black Beauty more than The Swiss Family Robinsons.
I tried reading "White Fang", but someone tore out the first two pages and I can't understand who White Fang is. It's a shame that I can't read such a wonderful book, so I hear. But I'll live.
One time, I tried writing my own book, but I just got bored of it after the 12th chapter. Now, I'm starting to write a new one. My friends wanted to help me, too. My friend Elijah tried helping, but we didn't get much done. Brianna also tried helping me, but she really didn't want to do much. Now, my friend Zachary wants to help. I don't have anything for him to do! I already know what I want my book to be about. I don't need any help. But, I'd like for him to help, just to be nice.
Thanking to my friends, Brianna Stewart, Elijah May, and Zachary Saunders, for some ideas.

Pictures

Jets and airplanes fly over our house a lot and they get SO close! I can even see in the windows!

                                            You can see the moon in the middle of the clouds.

I usually get this close to bees, butterflies, hornets, etc!

This little white kitten just discovered what "grass" is. Sadly, it was hard and dead grass!

We have a beautiful young tree growing on the side of our house. This is the kind of flowers it grows.

I tried this over and over and over again, and finely this is the best one so far. I'm the only model I have to use in my pictures! (Sadly)

I have many more pictures to share, but I'd rather just keep them on Google+. I'll try to  blog my other photos tomorrow!

SD Card Discovery

I found out how to put a SD card in a laptop. So now I can share my pictures with my friends and family. :^) I now can blog about each of my photos. I'll try to take many pictures each day.
I can upload the pictures to my blog and Google+. Finely someone can see how great I am! I'm so exited!
 I take so many pictures I can't pick one as my favorite. I know my photos aren't the "best", but I think there good enough to brag about.

Eye For Photography

I have always had a "special" eye. I figured that out when I was ten years old. I grabbed a camera, and walked outside. My eyes flew to a different world, and I snapped a few pictures! I noticed that the background maters just as much as what you are focusing on. If you take a picture of a tree and there is a house behind it, that's a bad picture. It needs to have more trees behind it, or a person doing something that the camera is unfocused on. Maybe a flower garden, or just something different but still the same.

When I was eleven years old, my Mom got a very nice camera. The camera was about $400 dollars or so. I reached out for the camera, and once I touched it...I knew what to do. I let my self take steps and then I held my hands up and pushed on the button to take the picture.
I noticed at that moment I took some really awesome pictures. Now, I'm twelve years old and taking pictures rapidly! Flowers, trees, cats, grass, the moon, air plan, sunset, sky, clouds, etc.

Tomorrow (Friday, August, 24, 2012) my parents get paid. My Mom is going to take me to Walmart to find a cheap small camera for me to use. I will use my Moms for super photography, and mine for my volleyball games, me and Elise, etc!
I love to take photos, and I wish I could share them with the world.
 Twelve year old Rebecca McLeish, An awesome photographer! On the front of a website. I want to ask my brother-N-law if he could make me a website for my pictures, but I don't know what he would say back.  It would be great if I could put my pictures up on a website and people could see it! I don't have anywhere to share my photos. I have my blog, and Google+ but I only have 4 followers on here, and a few on Google+ who don't care that much.

Bunny Tears

I woke up eating, cleaning, playing, enjoying my morning (I actually woke up at 12:20, so not really a "morning").

 My parents didn't get me anything for my birthday last month because I had a hard time thinking of what I wanted. I said "I want a game account!" then I thought again. "I want a new fish, maybe!" then I changed my mind. I really REALLY want a new bunny. If you read my other blogs, they will probably say something about my old bunny, Rozarah. I made got the name from my friends who gave me the bunny. Rose, and Sarah. I got creative and made up the name Rozarah with a Z not a S. My bunny passed away in the jaws of Eva; my brothers dog. I was very sad, and angry at the same time. Rozarah was the best animal a girl could wish for. I only had her for 3 days, then left her alone for 4 days because I had to take care of someones house. We went back for Rozarah, and she was dead. I screamed and cried all day. 

I want another bunny for my birthday from my parents, but they think we have too many pets. Two dogs and I forget how many cats. But my Mom said "No bunny, we have too many animals!" when she is going to get frogs and a turtle. We already have a bunny cage, and I'm super responsible!

 I filled my room up with tears. (I'm about to cry...) Rozarah was my best friend, besides Elise. She was amazing. She let me brush her hair, feed her carrots (which I thought only cartoon bunny's would do, but real bunny's eat carrots too!) and kiss her, hold her, hug her, talk to her! Sometimes, I think how much fun it would be if she was still alive with me. 

I know she is in heaven, because all animals go to heaven I believe. I've seen heaven before, but that's a whole different story I'll blog about some other time. Right now, it's about my bunny. 

I imagine that she is sitting on the bed with me listening to the radio, but then I look again and theirs nothing to see. I want to tell her about Elise, but I can't. I want to show her my new room, but I can't. 

Alright, tears are filling up my eyes so this post wont go on much longer.

I wish I could just hold her one more time; just for two seconds! Another bunny would make me happy, but miss Rozarah more. It would still fill in my empty spot in my heart. I have an empty spot for everything, besides Jesus. 

If I had another bunny, I would let Elise hold it, and feed it. And I....never mind! I would name is after Elise in some way.

I could never replace Rozarah. Their is no bunny in the world like her. Another bunny would fill part of my empty spot! When I say "I could never replace Rozarah." I mean only she could make me happy like she did. I will always miss her, and cry for her. (It's hard for me to type. Tears are blocking my eyes!)

 I don't understand. I cry because I miss her, and another bunny would make me SUPER happy, but not like she did. I feel like I could never be happy again. Either I have a bunny, or I don't! I will always be sad. :'(

Dear, Rozarah. I'm glad you're in heaven. I know how great of a place it is up their, I've seen it. I pray for you almost everyday! I wish you were back here with me and Elise, but God rather have you. You were so cute. Brown with a little gray. Dark brown eyes, that look black. A hole in your ear so I can stick a tag in it and show you in the fair. I miss you Rozarah, and I can never replace you. If I do get another bunny, I don't want it to be like you. I want you to be like you, and me like me! I love you! <3

~Becca~

YouTube

My Animoto Video! This is a video I made for my intro on my YouTube videos! I'm starting to make a lot of videos and upload them. I have made on about space, about water creatures, about monarch butterfly life cycle, trees, seven creation days of earth by God! I can't really think of anything else to make now. I asked my brother, and he said about cats. I don't want to make a slideshow/video about cats! Their boring, and we already have 10,000,000!

I'll think of something...

Volleyball Coach Trusty!

I can't believe volleyball practice on Monday! My coach had me switch places with on of the best setters in the team for me to be setter! I can't believe it, I'm so much better at volleyball! My coach even said "Good girl!" to me when I hit the ball over. I used to just bump the ball over, but now I can spike it over with one arm! I can't wait to be in an actual game, and not sit on the bench the whole time. Plus, the best player in the team started to go to publice school, so now I think a girl named Emma is the best...or Hailey.

My Video!

This is my first video. It's a slideshow of my paint from the computer. Their people with powers. ENJOY!! :^D I would love to make some more, but I don't really have a reason to. I just kinda do it for fun. :^\ But, I can show them to my best friend, Elise!

First Handstand!

I can do a handstand! I forgot you should learn to do a handstand before you do a front handspring. I skipped the handstand part and just started training. But when I do a front handspring I mess up and do a perfect handstand! I stand in my yard and lean forward and kick up my feet with my hands on the ground, and then the hard part is keeping your balance; but I have pretty good balance. I'm going to do volleyball for now, then someday I'll go gymnastics. I believe what I'm doing is tumbling with the handstands and front handsprings! But whatever.

I was outside trying to do a front handspring  and I cut the bottom of my foot open. There is a huge cut that was bleeding. I didn't give up yet...I put on shoes; unlike a McLeish! I went right outside and practiced more. It started to rain; but who cares? The rain cold me down, and made me happy. I'm about to go do a handstand in my house because it's too dark outside right now.
 :) I'M SO PROUD OF MYSELF!!!!! :)

Hard Choice

I want to do volleyball and my team wants me back! I have great passing and I just learned to set! But really, I played volleyball last year and I was only in like, four out of all. My parents paid $20 to see me sit down drinking water. It was really sad. I thought things over; maybe I don't want to do volleyball! It would be awesome if I could flip in the air the girls in the Olympics! I really want to do front handspring, flips, back handspring, handstands and all that other stuff. I think I should leave my volleyball team, and do gymnastics. It's a hard choice to make. :(