Well... I started to write. I've got a journal now and continuously write about my life. But a journal page isn't as big as a blog post page, and I somewhat care to share what I have to say.
I don't want to share much anymore because my life has become very classified; I'm trying to keep it that way, at least. I've had some real trouble getting back into shape. Not with muscle on my arms, but with strength in my mind. I've gone through some really hard times lately and I have lost quite a few friends. I felt lonely, lost, and unwanted. I still do, somewhat. But I've been shown a path; two, actually. One goes one way, the other goes the other way. I have to choose which path to take. I just only wish I could see the other end; where it leads. I don't want to travel for so long just to find a dead end or a sign saying "Other path, idiot." All I know is one path will take me to freedom, and will take me to free doom. I already know what I want, I just need to take a closer look at how to get there. Perhaps if I had a friend to point me in the right direction I could be on my way to the great and almighty life of freedom and love. Of course, you can't spell friend without end. Maybe if my so called "friends" would show me they actually care then I could trust them. I've pretty much lost everyone I have except family. I miss the old days when your parents just kind of gave you a friend and said "Hey, here's a friend. Enjoy." and you'd have play dates with them and all that. Then something happened. You grew up. I grew up! We call it hanging out, not play dates. You have to keep your friend laughing. You've always gotta text your friend just to say hi and ask what's up, even though you don't care much. It's work, I admit. Worth it? No. It matters on the friend, actually. If it was worth it I'd actually have friends by now like I used to. My sister told me she only had one friend when she was my age. They'd only hang out about once a month, but they were still were very close and always had lots of fun. I - on the other hand - am used to having friends spam me with hellos, goodbyes, I love you/miss you. All that crap. It was all worthless. People just leave. I don't understand. Am I the issue? Why do people just become my friend and lie to me? They all say they love me and want to be my best friend forever. Well, guess what? I've come to the fact that when they say "Forever and ever" they mean "Forever and never." Honestly. You can't have a happy ending without a happy beginning. I guess the odds aren't exactly in my favor, ha ha.
So also, to be honest, there's this one girl who I was friends with. Randomly she decided to 100% ignore me. No longer sit with me when we see each other. Don't talk to me. Don't look at me. Like.. what did I do? What do I do? Do I scare people off? Do they scare me off? I will never understand true friendship. The only true friend I can say I have is my sister. Goodness, she's amazing. Where would I be without her?
I once remember myself as the happy little girl who always made people laugh. I was so extremely awkward and random. (I still am somewhat.) But now... I've got no one to make smile. My family? Eh, they're always there. I want something new. I need something new. Someone, possibly. I know, I know. I'm still only a young teenager trying to figure out the definition of "Life." But don't get me wrong; I've been living this so called Life for 13 years. Thirteen years is a long time. The age thirteen may be young, but the amount of time is a long way away from little. Yes, I do know God is out there. Loving me, caring for me, helping me. I can feel him near. But I'm such a greedy human, as made. I want more. I want better! What is better than God's love? Nothing. Exactly my point. I want something that is better than the best. Only if I understood how loved I really am. I'm so lost yet at the same time have always been found. Yeah, I make weird quotes that people don't understand. But as long I'm making my point to myself - I'm good. I'm so loved. So needed. I've done so much harm in my life that I just wish I wasn't sometimes. I know this post is over the top dramatic, but I just love expressing my feelings when needed. There's six kinds of people I love. One, my parents. Two, my family. Three, my friends. Four, my husband. Five, my children. Six, God. Oh, yes. I did leave myself out. Perhaps I did that on purpose? I'll never understand me. I'm so confusing. Ha ha, I could write a book. A book about the life of Rebecca. That one girl that is both interesting and boring all in one.
I could type for hours, but I need sleep every now and then. To refresh my mind from evil and repair it with good.
For those of you reading this; I know you may see me as an average teenager who just wants attention and wants friends and think she's so worthless. Ever though that's actually how we feel? Maybe it's not just average. Maybe this is all legit. I feel as if I'm worthless, but knowing I am loved more than I could ever imagine! Feels and thoughts are so different. Along with hearing a lie but understanding the truth. I smack myself telling myself that I am cared for. But why don't I, like, care to be cared?
Goodness, I am quite the drama queen.
I'll continue to write in my journal, but it's so much faster to type. And journals are only so big.
Now, let's say something happy about my life. Uh... we got a trampoline. I suppose that's happy. I already can do a flip on it. But it's not easy jumping in such high snow, so I'll have to wait for Spring or Summer.
I've got parents to love me. But.. I just can't talk to them the way I do friends. I can tell my friends funny jokes and personal things, not caring what they know. But with parents you know they'll always be with you for all your or their life. They'll always know. I don't want them looking at me saying "Oh she's the daughter that did this." or "She's the daughter who hates what's it's face." No, I don't keep secrets from them. A secret is something you don't tell anyone. I tell people. Of course I do have personal secrets I write about that I shall never share to anyone in the world until I'm dead. But, my parents do know pretty much everything about me and understand me. They know how I feel and I can't thank them enough. I will admit, I do worry about telling my parents about things further in life. I'll have to tell my Dad about a boy I like eventually. I'll have to tell my Mom that I just lost a friend and need a hug. I'll have to get permission for marriage and I'll have to get permission to move out. Permission to live the way I am. Permission to speak to certain people and speak a certain way. I trust their opinions very much so. They nearly know everything about me. I don't have anything to hide, I suppose. Not that I can think of... hmm. The only thing I ever attempt to keep from anyone and everyone is how I feel. That's my mind - my privacy. But like I'm doing now. I'm expressing my feelings. Totally not my full thoughts though. But my thoughts are my thoughts, not yours. They're the one thing in life I can keep from everyone except God. The one thing I can consider private. There's always those awkward moments you get angry enough and actually tell your legit thoughts and pretty much screw everything up. I've once got so mad at a friend I've screamed my true thoughts, and it ruined the whole day. I've got so tired of arguing I shouted out my crush's name to my Mom, ha ha. It was obvious anyway. I've gotten so upset at my cousin that I finally just straight up ignored her for the whole day. Even wrote a note saying how sorry I was about over reacting.
I make mistakes, and regret them. But it's hard to keep calm when people are peeling back your flesh and attempting to tear apart your skull just to get to your brain and find out what's in that little brain of mine.
I'm typed a lot! Oh my gosh! That's enough. 40 minutes of typing for no reason, ha ha! G`night. :)
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