As you know I've been really losing friends lately. I just need to stop caring so much for people that don't give a single care in the whole world about me. My friend from Youth Group who I haven't seen for three weeks showed up at Youth Group tonight. I was waiting for her at the door. As soon as she walked in I asked if we could talk. We haven't talked to each other for about 6 weeks. I was already about to burst out in tears. As soon as I opened my mouth to ask what's been going on, I lost it. I couldn't keep the tears behind a shield. A shield made of wood. It just soaked right through and filled up my eyes. I gasped for air as my lungs tightened and shrunk. Right then and there I knew I was in trouble. I got so mad at myself for being so emotional but at the same time excited that I'm brave enough to be mature, walk up to the person, and ask a simple question. Suddenly, she started to answer my question. A lump in my throat grew tight. As she spoke I randomly shot my eyes around the room, searching for something to focus on rather than her eyes. I was trying to hide my face and threw my hands over my mouth in a tight fist. My knuckles quickly became white as I stood there; clenching my fists. I was ready to scream. I wanted to just leave right there. Walk away and forget ever speaking. We argued. We just repeated ourselves. I feel so unbelievably unwanted by people that I want to just cry over a blank, white page as I write about who I truly love. Yes - That's why it's blank.
Recently my hands have been turning pale with blood red circles all over. I think it's a sign of both stress and depression. My hands look ugly, weak, and worthless. Someone asked if they could see my promise ring and I was embarrassed to stretch such a feeble body part out from under my jacket sleeve. The scar on my ring finger made it no more appealing. My teeth have been almost bleeding. I clench my teeth so hard, and grind my teeth, when I'm angry that I taste blood in my mouth. I've made my gums bleed before. It's very minor. I'm turning into something I don't want to be. I'm not my old happy self.
At Youth when we were going around meeting people and, surprisingly, my friend Jeremiah saw that I was sitting alone and yelled "Hi, Becca!" from behind. I turned and gave a feeble smile then looked across the room to focus on something. I sat alone most of the time until Jeremiah got his friends David, Dillon, and another girl to change seats and come sit with me. Of course, non of them sat next to me. I looked to the side of my shoulder and saw an empty seat. A lonely, empty, seat. No one wanted to sit next to me. My face started stinging; attempting to hold back more tears. I quickly took a deep breath but each gasp of air caught in my throat. Then I relaxed. I tried taking another breath and gasped every few seconds again. My stomach chugged in and out and air searched around for a free spot in my lungs. My face turned beat red as I heard people talk among themselves, not caring to take a moment to say anything to me. I glanced to the door to see if it was open. If it was, I was ready to dash out of there and sit in the hall way until they came out to get ready to go back downstairs. The door was shut. I closed my eyes and bit my tongue, not feeling any pain. I suppose all the pain was in my eyes ready to drip down my cheek. Once the speech was finished I stood up and walked straight out of that room and went downstairs, not looking at my surroundings. As soon as I sat down I found a spot on the floor to stare at. I sat there. Repeating in my head. I want to leave. It's her fault. I hate her. It's my fault! I should know better. Why didn't I keep my mouth shut? What's wrong with me? I'm so confused. Why isn't anyone sitting by me? Everyone is sitting with friends. I'm on such a cozy couch all alone. What'd I do to them? Oh, great. They're asking where my friend went. I shoved my face into my knees quickly and took a huge gasp and tried to ignore the name flashing through the room. It's like lightening about to strike a tree. I'm the tree. Why is everyone laughing and talking among themselves? Why isn't anyone getting up to sit by me? Hey, there's three free seats by me! If... anyone cares. Oh, look. Someone couldn't fit on that couch. Now she's forced to sit by me. Oh my goodness. She's sitting next to me and not just on the same couch! I said hello and grabbed my knees. I was so extremely happy that she chose to sit by me, not just with me. I tried holding my tears. I was so happy and so angry all in one emotion. She looked at me and asked if I was okay. I said under my breath "Oh, great." and flooded tears across my face. She asked if I was okay again. Another girl asked what happened. I just gasped quickly the name of my friend and they just leaned back in their seats watching me carefully with wide, calm eyes. I cried.
The only person I can ever say is a friend who isn't a sibling is my cousin, Cassidy. Still family. The only family member I talk to besides my siblings and parents. What is wrong with me? Do people just hate us? Or, even worse, me? Have I done something so wrong that everyone goes off talking about me? If I have, what? I just need someone to tell me what lies have been being told about me. Why does everyone LEAVE? Someone help. My mind is so full of crap; mistakes, regrets, enemies, etc, that I can't find the good in my life.
God? Sure, whatever... You know what? When I was two years old (Almost three) he saved my life. I died, and he saved me. He told me to live and so I did. Maybe I needed to just die? They say God makes no mistakes, but what if I made the mistake? Getting sick. I got myself sick. I just... I don't know anymore. What would the world be like without Rebecca? The girl who died and lived again. No one even knows my story... the only people who know it are long gone friends from my past who weren't really ever friends before. I've never told anyone my true story. No one seems to believe me when I do. I'm so special, equally, but in a different way. One plus one equals two, but two plus two equals four. I'm on in a million. I survived. I should be happy! No, I'm not bragging. I'm just finally stepping up and showing myself. I want myself to have some attention. I give so much love. In return? I get a friend. A friend that ends with the word "end." of course. God saved me. I'm special. I'm equal in my own way. Okay.. so? If everyone is equal, then no one is special. At least no more special than the other. You can't be both equal and special at the same time. We're equally special is your protest? I see. Special means better than the other or more outstanding, amusing, or awesome. Special. Such a strong word.
I've lost all hope in friends, except for the one and only - Cassidy. I'm scared now. I now have a fear of friendship. I'm scared if I get to know someone so well (or too well) that it'll just end up in a screaming match. Every time. Yes, there is people who still call me their friend. Only because they know me. I know Barack Obama, but we're not friends. You know me, and I know you. So? I hate how people throw around the word "Friend" so often that it's become another term for "Fake." in my opinion.
I've lost all of my friends.
The only thing I have left is a passion to run; and courage. I have courage. I am brave. I'm the bravest person I know. I feel like I can talk to anyone in a mature way. Sure, I'll probably get all emotional and make a fool of myself. But at least I did it. I'll look back from now and think of myself as the girl who Asked the Question.
I am Brave.
I am Courageous.
I am Young.
I am Funny.
I am Emotional.
I am Alive.
Now what?
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