I really don't have any friends anymore. It's killing me inside, because I'm usually a very friendly and bubbly person. I could walk into a room of strangers and intermediately people will be drawn to me. I'm funny, loud, friendly. But for some reason, no one really cares anymore. I had so many friends, and I did a good job of keeping them as my friend, but recently... everyone's left me empty. I even lost my cousin as a friend. People at youth group make me feel even more lonely. I'm taking my medication everyday, but I still feel like complete shit. I don't know what's wrong with me. I thought these pills were anti-depressants, but they're honestly just suicide triggers. I'm not suicidal, as far as I know, but it's still something I strongly consider. I don't want to kill myself, but I also don't want to be alive. Only my cousin understood exactly what I meant when I said that, because she feels the same way, but now that she avoids me, I'm left to drown myself in misunderstanding. Am I the only one who feels this way? I'm so lonely in every way possibly. Am I crazy? I guess the feelings inside that never go away mean something. Maybe it means I'm just not suppose to be here. I don't even know anymore. I don't even know why I'm writing! No one listens to me. I suppose I'm just trying to talk to someone, though no one is listening. I could scream a thousand words, but not a single word would be heard. Actually, no. The words would be heard, heard well. Just not acknowledged.
I know I'm only 14 (I'll be 15 in July) and I still have a long life ahead of me, blah, blah, blah, but I don't want to live this oh-so long life if I'm just going to be depressed throughout it all. I thought I was okay, I thought I was getting over this depression, but I was wrong.
Should I keep trying? Should I even dare? Therapy isn't helping. I've talked to therapist after therapists, doctor after doctor, and I've been on medication and medication. But hell, I'm only human. Pills and unfriendly people aren't going to change the fact that I am sad, alone, and worthless. I say I'm fat, you say I'm normal weight. I say I'm ugly, you say I'm pretty. I say I'm worthless, you say everyone is precious. But why should I believe you? You always counter my words with the positives, but that doesn't mean they're true. Just because they're negative, doesn't mean they're lies. I am fat. I have huge thighs covered in stretch marks, I've got a pudgy stomach that clearly shows through any shirt I wear. My face is covered in pimples and ugly marks, and my face is just ugly period. Nothing about myself is attractive. I'm nothing special. Three months ago if my cousin were to tell me I was pretty (Which she has maybe once or twice) I would have doubted her. Even though she was my best friend and I trusted her with my life, I couldn't accept the compliment. I knew it was a lie.
I don't know where I'm going with this post. I guess I'm just looking for pity and attention, which apparently I always am. That's why I do anything. I want sympathy. I'm just really angry and upset right now, to be honest.
I've asked my cousin, in attempt to make our friendship back to how it was, if she would like to go skating with me. "I don't like skating, so no."
I've asked my cousin if she wanted to go to a Christian concert with me. "I don't like the church people, so no."
I've asked my cousin if she wanted to hangout on Friday. "It's only Tuesday! I don't plan ahead like that."
So today I asked her about Friday again. "Well I'm suppose to get my hair dyed and Sarah said she's coming over so idk maybe???"
I've realized that she just makes up bullshit excuses to avoid hanging out with me. I give up. I am so fucking done with trying to make friends! No one wants me. I apologize about my foul language, but I express myself best when I act like myself. Hell, no one's even reading this. Never mind.
I talk a lot. Sorry.
My knuckles are cramping up from writing this stupid, worthless posts. A posts about me. I suppose that's why it's so pathetic. I don't know. I wish I had a best friend I could sit with on a dock by the river and eat Dairy Queen with. We'd sit there all afternoon, talking, laughing. I've always wanted to do that. Just spend an afternoon having a heart to heart conversation with a friend. It could be a guy, or a girl. I don't care. I just want to talk to someone again. But no one listens and no one cares. I'm starting to cry a little bit, because I don't even know if I'll ever have a best friend again. I don't know if I'll ever sit on the roof with my boyfriend and talk about deep shit until 3am. I don't know if I'll ever be asked out, or if I'll ever get married, or if I'll ever lose my virginity. But I surely doubt any of that will ever happen, because no man could love someone like me; a nothing. No husband would want to have sex with a fat, ugly, scar-covered girl like me. No boy would ask me out unless they were both blind and mentally handicapped.
I do know a guy who likes me, though. He loves me very much, and cares for me as if I was his little sister. I don't feel the same way because I hate when people care about me. I find it uncomfortable because I've convinced myself that they don't really care. And I hate myself for that. I hate that I can't let someone love me. I'm crying, because I want to love him so badly. I want to be with him so fucking bad, but I can't. And I'm scared that he'll leave me before I love him. You're probably thinking that if he leaves, he was never worth it anyway. But he wouldn't just stand up and walk away. I'd pick him up and push him out. I do that. When people care about me, I lock them in a chained box and keep my distance. I love him. But I can't love him. Because I don't know how to. You may think that I'm only 14, and I'm not able to feel love. You are wrong. Some girls my age can't love people because the other person doesn't love them back. But this boy loves me more than I love myself. And I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Though, I have no reason to live, he's giving me one. I suppose I can't date until I am 16-18, but that isn't fair. Because if love is here now, why wait? If he ends up breaking my heart now, he'll break it then. So might as well get it over with. But if he doesn't break my heart, and we stay together, I have no reason to wait other than parental laws.
I still like someone else, though. I'm just so confused whether to like the boy who doesn't care about me or like the boy that does care about me. Because they're both very different people.
Girl emotions, yuck. It's okay, I blame PMS!
I suppose this is the end of my horribly pathetic and long rant that didn't make much sense. But I needed to say it. My hand gets too tired of writing in my journal, and typing is faster. But I'm totally not going to spell-check this because ain't nobody got time for that.
^^^^^^^ Bipolar disorder, ladies and gentlemen. ^^^^^^^^
I just went from sobbing, to quoting a meme from 2014. Right now I still feel like crying but I also feel like laughing. I want to cut myself but I also want to rap to Eminem. Oh, but of course I'm not bipolar. My mental state could never be taken serious.... I'm just a moody teen. Right?
Goodnight.
I love you.
Sleep well.
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