Empty Heart, Full Mind

Well, we made it three years. Thanks for sticking with me that long. It hurts that things had to end so harshly. I was only trying to help. This is why I never help anyone. I mess up. I wish you knew how sorry I am. I just wanted you to be safe, and happy. I hope you know that I cried on that phone call. I cried sending that message. As a matter of fact, I'm crying as I write this. I haven't been able to cry for a while, but I guess this really brought me over the edge You're still my best friend... since I don't have any other friends. I thought, "I don't need any other friends. She's all I need. We'll never stop being friends." Oh, how wrong i was. You begged me, and I didn't care. I'm so God damn sorry! Please forgive me. Please, know that I didn't mean to hurt you. I was just trying to help you. To show you that I cared. But I messed up big time. I hope you're reading this, because I miss you. But your last words to me made me miss you a little less...
"Fuck. You.
Don't talk to me."

When I was a kid, and I thought about the future, I saw friends, husbands, children, and smiles. I couldn't wait to be a teenager. I thought that it'd be the best thing ever. I'd go to the mall with my friends, eat soup at a cafe with my Mother, have romantic picnics with my boyfriend. No. None of that has happened, and I'm almost 15. So far, it's been mental hospitals, heart break, loneliness, and depression. This is not okay. I am not okay. I just wish none of this would have ever happened. It's a Saturday night and I'm isolating myself in a dark room, crying, while everyone else is getting high with their friends and laughing their asses off. Why can't I be that girl? Why can't I be the girl with 100 friends, a boyfriend, pretty hair, and a skinny body? It doesn't make any sense that I'm depressed. I want to be happy, and I try so hard to be happy. But nothing works. I could try drugs, alcohol, sex, etc. and nothing would bring me pleasure. I'm completely empty. Well, not completely. Just my heart. But my mind is far from empty. My mind is like a world if violence and darkness. They call it depression. It's like I'm trapped inside a padded room with no lights, but I can hear someone talking to me. Constantly telling me I'm not good enough, and that each mistake I make is just a sign that I should give up. They sound friendly but their words leak danger. I don't know what to believe in anymore; the voices I see or the voices I hear? I dream so much, I often question which is reality and which is a dream. None of it makes sense, and I'm dying inside.
I almost feel like, even on my medication, nothing has changed. I'm not really suicidal, but I still have suicidal thoughts. I self-harm less, but every cut is deeper than the last. It's like I'm less angry, and more sad. I've been crying most of the day off and on. I felt like dying, but I guess I'm okay now.
I understand that I need help, but therapy doesn't do anything for me. My therapists just asks me questions and makes me think, but I don't need to think. I think enough during the night. I need advice and action. I need to get my hands busy and really work towards getting out of this 1,000 ft. abyss.
There's a place I could go to in Tennessee for help. It's a mental institution, but for long-term, and they actually care about you and want you to get better. I'm considering going there. I brushed it off knowing that my best friend wouldn't come visit me while I was there, but now that I don't have to worry about that, I'm strongly considering it. I don't really want to go, but I think I need to. And I want help. I want to stay home and try to make new friends. But I don't know if I'll last that long. I thought about 5 different ways to end my life already today. Strongly meditated on some of my ideas. I don't know what I'm staying strong for. I just know that I'm suppose to, no matter what. That institution in Tennessee may really help me open my eyes. Maybe I'll find some real pleasure in life. If that place can help me overcome depression, then I'm all for it. It's far away, but that doesn't matter because there's no one to visit me anyway. My therapist can't help me, my parents can't help me, and I can't help me. I don't know what to do right now besides write. I've been writing for almost two hours. It fills the void in my heart, like my best friend use to.
If I do go to Tennessee, I just really, really, really want to come out better.