My Shadows

I feel like the only reason they’re with me is to ruin my life. To make me so miserable, I end up either killing myself or killing everyone else. It’s like they've been put directly into my life just to make it worse than it already is; to completely destroy any ounce of happiness left in me. They’re doing a pretty good job, if you ask me. They all work together to battle against me. I don’t know how to fight back. They've found all my weaknesses and are using them against me. I used to think I never feared anything, but then they came along. Now, I fear myself. One after another, they appeared in my room. They stared at me until I gave in. Until I let them in my head and allowed them access to everything I hold on to. They control my life now. We've learned to cope at times, and it’s come to the point where I walk, and I talk. But they do the rest. They control my thoughts, my emotions, and my feelings. Sometimes, I’ll be laughing with friends. They’ll realize that, and shut me down. Make me hold my breath until I stop laughing, and then they’ll fill my eyes with tears. It’s like they’re reassuring me that I do not control who I am. They’ll give me the option to fight back the tears, walk away, take a breath, and come back. I usually take my chances and go with it. But in some cases, they won’t allow that. They’ll suck every happy memory I've ever experience, and throw it all away for a few seconds. (It's like I'm bipolar.) Then tell me how worthless I am. How pathetic my life is. How useless I am to anyone and anything, especially my family. They tell me to stop trying to be happy, because there’s no reason to be. I mean, my family hates me. My friend’s list is limited. I have nothing to look forward to in the future.
Sometimes, I want to run away from reality. I want to go with them to their world. They say it’s a good place, with no pain. All I have to do is say goodbye to the things I once loved.
People think I’m crazy. They say I need pills to get my mind stabilized, or therapy, to get understanding of who I am. Honestly? The last thing I need is some stuck-up therapist to tell me how to live. I don’t need anyone to tell me who I am. I know who I am. I’m no one important. I’m nothing but a paper bag floating down the road, hoping one day someone would either pick me up and throw me away or fill me up and make me useful. I want to be filled with love again. I want to feel like I matter. I wish I was normal. I’m going a little more insane each day and it’s making no sense to me. They tell me I should put a bullet in my mouth, or overdose on whatever drugs I can find in the kitchen. They say I have no reason to be. I know it’s true. I believe them. I've even started telling myself the same thing. But… there’s this one voice in the back of my head, trying so hard to be at its loudest. It’s telling me to stop, and take a step back. To think of all the good that’s still in my life. I keep telling the voice to stop talking, because it’s wrong. There is no good anymore. But it says that, “The other voices have only made you forget. They've shoved all the good memories and happy times in the back of your head along with me.”
I have no way of recovering those thoughts anymore. It’s not like I just take anti-depressants and magically become normal.
They told me I don’t need those, anyway. They said it’s not going to making me any less depressed. I’m already a waste of space, and I just need to give up already, to throw reality away and come and join them in their world.

I want to go away forever. I actually do, in fact, want to go join their world.
I get migraines every single day - horrible, horrible headaches in the front of my head. It’s starting to drive me insane. I can’t handle it. And sometimes death seems better than the migraine in my head.

I’m told by many that suicide isn't the answer. I, personally, don’t want to commit suicide. I don’t want to die. I used to, but I don’t anymore. I just want to live a normal life, with normal thoughts, and normal friends. I want to control my own thoughts and my own mood. I can go from the silliest person in the group to the most silent. I struggle to hold a conversation with anyone, even my best friend. We used to talk every day, now she never texts me. It’s my fault. I’m not able to talk to anyone. I can’t react to things normally like other people can. I’ll get teased for being homeschooled and everyone will start laughing. But I don’t even know what emotion to express. Like, am I supposed to laugh, too? It wasn't even funny, but everyone else is laughing… so I guess I should, too. Oh, and sometimes when people compliment me on something, I become speechless. I guess I should thank them? But my mood stays the same so I sound harsh when I speak. Someone might be telling me a funny story, and they’ll start to crack up. But me? I might fake a smile, but that’s all I can do. I find nothing funny. I've practiced multiple times in the mirror on a smile that looks convincing. But behind every smile of mine, I’m secretly thinking, you’re starting to annoy me.
I am so likable, though. If I meet new people, in less than 10 minutes I’m considered a friend of theirs. People love me, and I don’t know why. I almost hate it. I’d rather sit in a dark room all alone, than in a bright one with a group of people.

I’m starting to grow more attached to these voices. I refuse to say that I’m mental, because I truly think I’m just different. I just see, hear, feel, and think differently than other people.
I’ll be okay someday. But for now, I need to cope with them in order to get more access of my own life.