Is Cussing Really Wrong?

Started looking through the Bible for reasons why not to cuss. Because as I've been told it is wrong. But I read that we shouldn't use profanity. Our words should be encouraging. What if I were to say, "You did a d*m* good job!" or "Don't take bull**** from other people. You're amazing."
I just want opinions. Not saying I do cuss, or that it IS right... just truly curious.

Psalm 141:3 says, "Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!" that could mean not to bring people down with harsh words? Or not to use your mouth for perverted language. The Bible isn't fully specific to me.

Exodus 20:7 says, “You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes his name in vain." but when is saying sh** using God's name in vain in any way?

Psalm 109:17 says, "He loved to curse; let curses come upon him! He did not delight in blessing; may it be far from him!" I don't think that actually means curse words... I think that means by doing wrong. Like an actual curse? Like saying he loved to sin. Let sins come upon him.

Is Courage a Mistake?

As you know I've been really losing friends lately. I just need to stop caring so much for people that don't give a single care in the whole world about me. My friend from Youth Group who I haven't seen for three weeks showed up at Youth Group tonight. I was waiting for her at the door. As soon as she walked in I asked if we could talk. We haven't talked to each other for about 6 weeks. I was already about to burst out in tears. As soon as I opened my mouth to ask what's been going on, I lost it. I couldn't keep the tears behind a shield. A shield made of wood. It just soaked right through and filled up my eyes. I gasped for air as my lungs tightened and shrunk. Right then and there I knew I was in trouble. I got so mad at myself for being so emotional but at the same time excited that I'm brave enough to be mature, walk up to the person, and ask a simple question. Suddenly, she started to answer my question. A lump in my throat grew tight. As she spoke I randomly shot my eyes around the room, searching for something to focus on rather than her eyes. I was trying to hide my face and threw my hands over my mouth in a tight fist. My knuckles quickly became white as I stood there; clenching my fists. I was ready to scream. I wanted to just leave right there. Walk away and forget ever speaking. We argued. We just repeated ourselves. I feel so unbelievably unwanted by people that I want to just cry over a  blank, white page as I write about who I truly love. Yes - That's why it's blank.

Recently my hands have been turning pale with blood red circles all over. I think it's a sign of both stress and depression. My hands look ugly, weak, and worthless. Someone asked if they could see my promise ring and I was embarrassed to stretch such a feeble body part out from under my jacket sleeve. The scar on my ring finger made it no more appealing. My teeth have been almost bleeding. I clench my teeth so hard, and grind my teeth, when I'm angry that I taste blood in my mouth. I've made my gums bleed before. It's very minor. I'm turning into something I don't want to be. I'm not my old happy self.

 At Youth when we were going around meeting people and, surprisingly, my friend Jeremiah saw that I was sitting alone and yelled "Hi, Becca!" from behind. I turned and gave a feeble smile then looked across the room to focus on something. I sat alone most of the time until Jeremiah got his friends David, Dillon, and another girl to change seats and come sit with me. Of course, non of them sat next to me. I looked to the side of my shoulder and saw an empty seat. A lonely, empty, seat. No one wanted to sit next to me. My face started stinging; attempting to hold back more tears. I quickly took a deep breath but each gasp of air caught in my throat. Then I relaxed. I tried taking another breath and gasped every few seconds again. My stomach chugged in and out and air searched around for a free spot in my lungs. My face turned beat red as I heard people talk among themselves, not caring to take a moment to say anything to me. I glanced to the door to see if it was open. If it was, I was ready to dash out of there and sit in the hall way until they came out to get ready to go back downstairs. The door was shut. I closed my eyes and bit my tongue, not feeling any pain. I suppose all the pain was in my eyes ready to drip down my cheek. Once the speech was finished I stood up and walked straight out of that room and went downstairs, not looking at my surroundings. As soon as I sat down I found a spot on the floor to stare at. I sat there. Repeating in my head. I want to leave. It's her fault. I hate her. It's my fault! I should know better. Why didn't I keep my mouth shut? What's wrong with me? I'm so confused. Why isn't anyone sitting by me? Everyone is sitting with friends. I'm on such a cozy couch all alone. What'd I do to them? Oh, great. They're asking where my friend went. I shoved my face into my knees quickly and took a huge gasp and tried to ignore the name flashing through the room. It's like lightening about to strike a tree. I'm the tree. Why is everyone laughing and talking among themselves? Why isn't anyone getting up to sit by me? Hey, there's three free seats by me! If... anyone cares. Oh, look. Someone couldn't fit on that couch. Now she's forced to sit by me. Oh my goodness. She's sitting next to me and not just on the same couch! I said hello and grabbed my knees. I was so extremely happy that she chose to sit by me, not just with me. I tried holding my tears. I was so happy and so angry all in one emotion. She looked at me and asked if I was okay. I said under my breath "Oh, great." and flooded tears across my face. She asked if I was okay again. Another girl asked what happened. I just gasped quickly the name of my friend and they just leaned back in their seats watching me carefully with wide, calm eyes. I cried.
The only person I can ever say is a friend who isn't a sibling is my cousin, Cassidy. Still family. The only family member I talk to besides my siblings and parents. What is wrong with me? Do people just hate us? Or, even worse, me? Have I done something so wrong that everyone goes off talking about me? If I have, what? I just need someone to tell me what lies have been being told about me. Why does everyone LEAVE? Someone help. My mind is so full of crap; mistakes, regrets, enemies, etc, that I can't find the good in my life.

 God? Sure, whatever... You know what? When I was two years old (Almost three) he saved my life. I died, and he saved me. He told me to live and so I did. Maybe I needed to just die? They say God makes no mistakes, but what if I made the mistake? Getting sick. I got myself sick. I just... I don't know anymore. What would the world be like without Rebecca? The girl who died and lived again. No one even knows my story... the only people who know it are long gone friends from my past who weren't really ever friends before. I've never told anyone my true story. No one seems to believe me when I do. I'm so special, equally, but in a different way. One plus one equals two, but two plus two equals four. I'm on in a million. I survived. I should be happy! No, I'm not bragging. I'm just finally stepping up and showing myself. I want myself to have some attention. I give so much love. In return? I get a friend. A friend that ends with the word "end." of course. God saved me. I'm special. I'm equal in my own way. Okay.. so? If everyone is equal, then no one is special. At least no more special than the other. You can't be both equal and special at the same time. We're equally special is your protest? I see. Special means better than the other or more outstanding, amusing, or awesome. Special. Such a strong word.

I've lost all hope in friends, except for the one and only - Cassidy. I'm scared now. I now have a fear of friendship. I'm scared if I get to know someone so well (or too well) that it'll just end up in a screaming match. Every time. Yes, there is people who still call me their friend. Only because they know me. I know Barack Obama, but we're not friends. You know me, and I know you. So? I hate how people throw around the word "Friend" so often that it's become another term for "Fake." in my opinion.
I've lost all of my friends.
The only thing I have left is a passion to run; and courage. I have courage. I am brave. I'm the bravest person I know. I feel like I can talk to anyone in a mature way. Sure, I'll probably get all emotional and make a fool of myself. But at least I did it. I'll look back from now and think of myself as the girl who Asked the Question.
I am Brave.
I am Courageous.
I am Young.
I am Funny.
I am Emotional.
I am Alive.


Now what?

I'm Missing Us

Well... I started to write. I've got a journal now and continuously write about my life. But a journal page isn't as big as a blog post page, and I somewhat care to share what I have to say.
I don't want to share much anymore because my life has become very classified; I'm trying to keep it that way, at least. I've had some real trouble getting back into shape. Not with muscle on my arms, but with strength in my mind. I've gone through some really hard times lately and I have lost quite a few friends. I felt lonely, lost, and unwanted. I still do, somewhat. But I've been shown a path; two, actually. One goes one way, the other goes the other way. I have to choose which path to take. I just only wish I could see the other end; where it leads. I don't want to travel for so long just to find a dead end or a sign saying "Other path, idiot." All I know is one path will take me to freedom, and will take me to free doom. I already know what I want, I just need to take a closer look at how to get there. Perhaps if I had a friend to point me in the right direction I could be on my way to the great and almighty life of freedom and love. Of course, you can't spell friend without end. Maybe if my so called "friends" would show me they actually care then I could trust them. I've pretty much lost everyone I have except family. I miss the old days when your parents just kind of gave you a friend and said "Hey, here's a friend. Enjoy." and you'd have play dates with them and all that. Then something happened. You grew up. I grew up! We call it hanging out, not play dates. You have to keep your friend laughing. You've always gotta text your friend just to say hi and ask what's up, even though you don't care much. It's work, I admit. Worth it? No. It matters on the friend, actually. If it was worth it I'd actually have friends by now like I used to. My sister told me she only had one friend when she was my age. They'd only hang out about once a month, but they were still were very close and always had lots of fun. I - on the other hand - am used to having friends spam me with hellos, goodbyes, I love you/miss you. All that crap. It was all worthless. People just leave. I don't understand. Am I the issue? Why do people just become my friend and lie to me? They all say they love me and want to be my best friend forever. Well, guess what? I've come to the fact that when they say "Forever and ever" they mean "Forever and never." Honestly. You can't have a happy ending without a happy beginning. I guess the odds aren't exactly in my favor, ha ha. 
So also, to be honest, there's this one girl who I was friends with. Randomly she decided to 100% ignore me. No longer sit with me when we see each other. Don't talk to me. Don't look at me. Like.. what did I do? What do I do? Do I scare people off? Do they scare me off? I will never understand true friendship. The only true friend I can say I have is my sister. Goodness, she's amazing. Where would I be without her?

I once remember myself as the happy little girl who always made people laugh. I was so extremely awkward and random. (I still am somewhat.) But now... I've got no one to make smile. My family? Eh, they're always there. I want something new. I need something new. Someone, possibly. I know, I know. I'm still only a young teenager trying to figure out the definition of "Life." But don't get me wrong; I've been living this so called Life for 13 years. Thirteen years is a long time. The age thirteen may be young, but the amount of time is a long way away from little. Yes, I do know God is out there. Loving me, caring for me, helping me. I can feel him near. But I'm such a greedy human, as made. I want more. I want better! What is better than God's love? Nothing. Exactly my point. I want something that is better than the best. Only if I understood how loved I really am. I'm so lost yet at the same time have always been found. Yeah, I make weird quotes that people don't understand. But as long I'm making my point to myself - I'm good. I'm so loved. So needed. I've done so much harm in my life that I just wish I wasn't sometimes. I know this post is over the top dramatic, but I just love expressing my feelings when needed. There's six kinds of people I love. One, my parents. Two, my family. Three, my friends. Four, my husband. Five, my children. Six, God. Oh, yes. I did leave myself out. Perhaps I did that on purpose? I'll never understand me. I'm so confusing. Ha ha, I could write a book. A book about the life of Rebecca. That one girl that is both interesting and boring all in one. 
I could type for hours, but I need sleep every now and then. To refresh my mind from evil and repair it with good. 

For those of you reading this; I know you may see me as an average teenager who just wants attention and wants friends and think she's so worthless. Ever though that's actually how we feel? Maybe it's not just average. Maybe this is all legit. I feel as if I'm worthless, but knowing I am loved more than I could ever imagine! Feels and thoughts are so different. Along with hearing a lie but understanding the truth. I smack myself telling myself that I am cared for. But why don't I, like, care to be cared?
Goodness, I am quite the drama queen.
I'll continue to write in my journal, but it's so much faster to type. And journals are only so big. 

Now, let's say something happy about my life. Uh... we got a trampoline. I suppose that's happy. I already can do a flip on it. But it's not easy jumping in such high snow, so I'll have to wait for Spring or Summer.

I've got parents to love me. But.. I just can't talk to them the way I do friends. I can tell my friends funny jokes and personal things, not caring what they know. But with parents you know they'll always be with you for all your or their life. They'll always know. I don't want them looking at me saying "Oh she's the daughter that did this." or "She's the daughter who hates what's it's face." No, I don't keep secrets from them. A secret is something you don't tell anyone. I tell people. Of course I do have personal secrets I write about that I shall never share to anyone in the world until I'm dead. But, my parents do know pretty much everything about me and understand me. They know how I feel and I can't thank them enough. I will admit, I do worry about telling my parents about things further in life. I'll have to tell my Dad about a boy I like eventually. I'll have to tell my Mom that I just lost a friend and need a hug. I'll have to get permission for marriage and I'll have to get permission to move out. Permission to live the way I am. Permission to speak to certain people and speak a certain way. I trust their opinions very much so. They nearly know everything about me. I don't have anything to hide, I suppose. Not that I can think of... hmm. The only thing I ever attempt to keep from anyone and everyone is how I feel. That's my mind - my privacy. But like I'm doing now. I'm expressing my feelings. Totally not my full thoughts though. But my thoughts are my thoughts, not yours. They're the one thing in life I can keep from everyone except God. The one thing I can consider private. There's always those awkward moments you get angry enough and actually tell your legit thoughts and pretty much screw everything up. I've once got so mad at a friend I've screamed my true thoughts, and it ruined the whole day. I've got so tired of arguing I shouted out my crush's name to my Mom, ha ha. It was obvious anyway. I've gotten so upset at my cousin that I finally just straight up ignored her for the whole day. Even wrote a note saying how sorry I was about over reacting.
I make mistakes, and regret them. But it's hard to keep calm when people are peeling back your flesh and attempting to tear apart your skull just to get to your brain and find out what's in that little brain of mine.

I'm typed a lot! Oh my gosh! That's enough. 40 minutes of typing for no reason, ha ha! G`night. :)

Best Cousin!

So, I know I haven't blogged in a VERY long time but that's because I've been on Facebook mostly.
But when I'm not on Facebook I'm usually spending time with my favorite cousin, Cassidy. :)
I met Cassidy at my Grandpa's funeral. Yes, both my Mother's Parent's passed away. :( Me and Cassidy added each other on Facebook, then Skype, then I got a phone and her number, then I moved and now I am 5 minutes away from her instead of 20 minutes. We talk every single day and she's just the best thing in my life right now.
Love her so much. <3
We'll have sleepovers for three days in a row when she's on school break. That's just how awesome we are, haha!

Thoughts and Giggles

Okay, so, being an aunt is fabulous. Let me just start you right there. Alright, let me explain the slightest details of what my nephew, Benson, has learn in his first 10 months of his life. Benson can laugh at silly faces, because now he understands you're actually being silly, and not making him say in his head "I think it's trying to say something...?" Yes, seeing the little guy smile is something you can't treasure deep enough in your heart. Also, Benson can clap, point, and SO much more. 

He'll be one years old in March. Which, as an aunt, you can't help but giggle when you think about it!

When I'm falling asleep, in the quiet of the house, It's very simple to think. I always think what I should do tomorrow, what I should wear, then I go through memory thoughts. I love thinking about my old house, the one I was born in, I made memories in, I grew up in! I think about how Benson will act, sound, look when he's older. Thoughts go through my head like a tornado. The "tornado" picks up memories, and I chose to keep only the best memories and thoughts underground so nothing, not even a tornado, can get'em!

Books

So, I started reading "Black Beauty" last week and I finished it just a few days ago! It was such a great book. I'm not a big book reader, and I don't find many books I enjoy reading but I really liked Black Beauty.
Last night, I found "The Swiss Family Robinsons", I started reading that. So far, I guess I like it, but I enjoyed Black Beauty more than The Swiss Family Robinsons.
I tried reading "White Fang", but someone tore out the first two pages and I can't understand who White Fang is. It's a shame that I can't read such a wonderful book, so I hear. But I'll live.
One time, I tried writing my own book, but I just got bored of it after the 12th chapter. Now, I'm starting to write a new one. My friends wanted to help me, too. My friend Elijah tried helping, but we didn't get much done. Brianna also tried helping me, but she really didn't want to do much. Now, my friend Zachary wants to help. I don't have anything for him to do! I already know what I want my book to be about. I don't need any help. But, I'd like for him to help, just to be nice.
Thanking to my friends, Brianna Stewart, Elijah May, and Zachary Saunders, for some ideas.

Pictures

Jets and airplanes fly over our house a lot and they get SO close! I can even see in the windows!

                                            You can see the moon in the middle of the clouds.

I usually get this close to bees, butterflies, hornets, etc!

This little white kitten just discovered what "grass" is. Sadly, it was hard and dead grass!

We have a beautiful young tree growing on the side of our house. This is the kind of flowers it grows.

I tried this over and over and over again, and finely this is the best one so far. I'm the only model I have to use in my pictures! (Sadly)

I have many more pictures to share, but I'd rather just keep them on Google+. I'll try to  blog my other photos tomorrow!